"You're a DJ? Great. Get on Board" Tedious Space Race Earner Begins

"The First Black African DJ"
And of course the arts play a part in the attempt to make space alluring. After being mind-numbingly persuaded that you can make it back to earth from the edge of the atmosphere with nothing more than a cursory knowledge of Russian and pod controls with Gravity, the race is on to see who owns the moon (China wants to mine it we heard late last year), and Virgin is taking bookings for your "bored of life" flights into space as Virgin Galactic. So, if you're one of many who find it hard to sleep at night, the noise of regular holiday space flights taking off is soon going to be so loud you'd be awake anyway. Lord knows London Airport makes enough of a racket already. And so what if a rocket produces as much pollution as 80 transatlantic flights altogether? There's money to be made, and it's a new earner!
USA's fave action heroine filming the illusion safely on earth
Bullock hangs in space in comfy undies

Not a joke. Mars One is a Dutch corp trying to win contracts on Mars for "homes"
Well it's one way to deal with the much avoided issue of over population on earth. Latest news from BBC, Guardian and the like highlights that "a 25-year-old DJ from a South African township is set to become the first black African to go into space". And this depserate headline is apparently more newsworthy than the weird competition run last year by a corporation attempting to get people to accept one way (yes, one way) tickets to go and live another planet (Mars this time) in a settlement as part of their "experiment". What's that you say? Get Out clause? There's isn't one, now get in line guinea pig! No wonder this stupid idea of theirs didn't take off. Even though reportedly 850 Irish applied via Youtube to end their lives in what will no doubt be a terrible vacuum.

A DJ, rebranded as hero

Official poster for a horrible idea, where Gaga is Cruella and we are the new, pelted dalmations
As a result power-hungry corps like NASA are back to sexing up the idea of space travel as tourism, merely as a stepping stone towards getting us to sign our lives away in these entirely lethal atmospheres, just so they can market us every single part of our existence. Because in space even the air you breath costs you money. As does taking a walk and taking a piss. But don't worry! Even the alien Lady Gaga has been preparing to return to her natural habitat for a very special "first" - the first Virgin-sponsored pop concert in space! As if setting it out there would make it any better. And how has the queen of vapid drama been preparing? By doing special vocal
classes for weightless singing. How ground breaking. It would be far more dramatic, historically ground breaking if she set up an orphanage for some of Afghanistan's million orphans, complete with a nature reserve and an aquarium and a recording studio and staffed it with desperate interns from the fashion and music industry and actually paid them to work and blog from the opium centre of the world with the promise that after five years, they could all take their own goody bag complete with one orphan home.

So here in this interview the sweetly naive 23 year old DJ Mandla Maseko describes winning the one hour orbital trip as better than getting any of the jobs he's been going to interviews for and failing at. He says his mother predicted him winning a chance to become the Space Race's puppet black African DJ by telling him "don't worry something bigger will come your way" each time he was rejected. And what does his music sound like? Well, the article doesn't bother. It's not really about him and his work though is it? In case he's now happy to renounce any Djing he's done in the past, for which there seems to be no record, not even on his twitter feed, and tell the world "I can get a job as an astronaut now"!

Too right mate, space is open for business.

No comments: